Dear Clara

Dear Clara,

Today has not been the best day I've ever had. It started out at with me waking up at 1:30 AM with the flu. That horrible bug kept waking me up every half hour with very unpleasant feelings. I don't know how you got through this same thing two days ago with such a happy face, not letting it stop you from doing what you wanted to do. Maybe I'm just a bigger wimp than you are because I could hardly even get out of bed to get you your sippy and let you out of your crib when you woke up. G-pop was nice enough to take you to his house while I slept and recovered from a long, horrible night. Grandma & grandpa watched you all day, and kept you even later when daddy came home from work not feeling well either. When we called to come pick you up for bed time they even offered to let you sleep over! I have to admit that I am feeling a little sad that I never got to kiss your forehead, tuck you in, and see you wave and say, "night night!" I miss you so much!

Since I have slept all day I am having a hard time getting comfortable enough to sleep now. Being pregnant is really not fun to me, but the end result is sooo worth it! You are going to be a wonderful big sister. Even though you don't like to cuddle, you show your love in other ways by giving lots of hugs and kisses, getting excited and running to us if daddy or I walk in the door, and playing games with us and making us laugh. I'm sorry if I ever get unhappy when you (very strongly) resist getting your diaper changed, or when you dump the contents of the salt shaker in a pile on the kitchen table. I'm not always as patient as I should be and you are always so sweet and happy. I mean seriously, look at this face! How can you do anything but love the heck out of you? (By the way, you had just dumped your cereal on the floor before I took this picture...)

I can't believe you're already a year and a half old. Your vocabulary is growing every day, and your new expressions totally crack me up! You think that everything is gross these days and say "Ew!" and make this face...

Your hair does it's own thing (just like mine) and I'm not sure what to do with it. I'm afraid to cut it because you won't hold still for a second, so for now it is just going to grow and continue to do whatever it wants to. Sometimes you let me put in in piggy tails, but not very often. Have I mentioned that I miss you? 

Lately I've been trying to figure out if the things I'm doing are what I'm supposed to be doing. I love photography, but is it worth it to be away from you so often (and even be "away" when I'm physically with you because I'm editing pictures so much?) Also, I've always wanted to finish my bachelor's degree, but it just feels so far away! And I don't even know if the classes I'm taking are actually going to count (thank you ISU for making things so fun!) Do I just wait until you and all your siblings are in school and really get serious about it then? Or just keep going one or two classes a year? And I think that teaching my tumbling classes for 3 hours a week is the perfect time for me to do a little of what I love and get in a bit of a work out. I just won't be able to do that for long because of my growing belly. It will make it a little difficult to spot! You will be so proud of me though, I turned down an opportunity coach cheer. It was hard, because I love my cheerleaders too, but YOU are the most important girl in my life and I just can't be a good mom and a good full-time coach at the same time. It's not fair to either of you.

I guess I don't really know what I should do, but I do know that something needs to change. I would still like to take pictures, but maybe not multiple sessions a week... Maybe a couple a month. But this is something you will figure out about me in time, I'm sure... I have a hard time saying no. Can I really stick to my guns about only two a month? I guess we will see, but I can't do it unless I can say no every once and a while. I just can't.

Well Clara, I don't know about a lot of decisions in my life, and I'm the kind of person who will always doubt my actions and wonder if it "would have been better if maybe I..." but there are a few things that I don't doubt. And I'm lucky, because these few things are the things that make my life SO amazing and wonderful... You, your dad, and our Heavenly Father. All these little other things just aren't that important. Sometimes I need reminded of that. I hope you know how much you are loved by your parents, your grandparents, your aunts and uncles, and everyone that meets you. Seriously, I'm not even biased or anything, but everyone loves you. They just can't help it. But mostly, you need to know that your Heavenly Father loves you and knows you and wants you to be happy. I am grateful every day that he gave you to us. I have loved these past 18 months, and look forward to the next 18 years and more... 

Love, Mommy